I’ve always been influenced by women who have incredible careers and the most perfect life. And when I look back, I come to the conclusion that I’ve always wanted to be someone else… or more so, be me, but with their life.
I’ve always been inspired through characters I’ve seen on TV. And I know now, that a lot of this wasn’t real. It was very much a storyline or a situation that would likely never happen unprompted.
Not even close to ‘real life’.
The first I remember aspiring to be like was Carrie Bradshaw. I was a late teen/young adult, and I wanted to be this cool, fashionable person. Fashionable is absolutely something you wouldn’t associate with me, certainly not back then anyway. Why Carrie? A couple of reasons. I loved she was a writer, had a beautiful apartment in New York, and an incredible set of friends.
In my 20s, through to today, I was inspired by Nicole and Brie aka The Bella Twins. Gone were the days of women treated only as sex objects. It was now more about the talent, the aerial moves, the strength. I wanted to be like them, I mean who wouldn’t? I got to see more of their personalities through the TV series Total Divas, and later, Total Bellas. I’ve always loved how fearless they are. If they dream of something, they’ll go and make it happen. They, and their work ethic is absolutely something I aspire to.
And then there are TV series like The Bold Type that inspire me too. This show isn’t well known but it’s based on three young women in New York working for Scarlet magazine. It covers all kinds of issues, very real issue. It’s possibly the most empowering TV series since Sex and the City.
I look at all of these and I look at what I am not.
That alone is a sad statement, I’m well aware. But it doesn’t meant to sound that low because I believe it turning the negatives in to positives. I’ve always believed if it doesn’t exist in your life, then you make it happen. For years and years, I’ve beaten myself up for how I think or how I feel. The fact I’m afraid to speak up for myself in a room of people who have no problem with getting their voices heard. The fact I’m too afraid to say what I really want.
I’m almost 34 now, and I’ve had enough of being like this. For not being content with ‘me’. For always wanting more when I should be comfortable in my own skin and proud of everything I have achieved.
Coronavirus and the lockdown has given me no choice but to sit here with my thoughts. I’ll always find a way to avoid the uncomfortable conversations, especially those I should be having with myself. But often I wonder if I know who I really am? And maybe I don’t, but what I do know is that I love to write. And so this journey of self-love and self-appreciation begins. It is time to get back in to some of the things I’ve always loved.
I’m ready to be creative through my writing again.
As a child, I’d often write fictional stories about adventures with my dog. As a young teenager, I wrote about different things. I was part of an ‘e-fed’, I’m not even sure I’ve even known what that stood for. But I, along with others on the internet, would write out our own WWE style storylines.
As I got to my early 20s, I embraced Carrie fever mixed with some 50 shades. I wrote fictional stories about love, relationships and sex. By the time I turned 26, I found love with my now-husband. So I never felt the need to write again, not like that anyway.
I still write, but nowadays it’s my general musings (like this), sharing amazing discovery of food and drink places, or about the sport I love to watch, American Football.
I’d say I’ve always been a dreamer, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. This past week I’ve been craving the need to write again. Be it a blog post, a fictional story, I haven’t quite decided. But I’m ready to discover who I am, not who I’m supposed to be. And reignite my passion for writing.
So watch this space.